How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
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My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.