I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
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Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.