I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
You Might Also Like
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
accurate
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
My birthstone is kidney
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.