“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
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[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
That lamp looks PISSED.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…