Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
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I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
#NeverForget
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.