has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
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Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I need better friends
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.