[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
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I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
craving $300 all of a sudden
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.