if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
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It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Took my son to his friend鈥檚 birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I鈥檝e been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 馃槀馃槀
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she鈥檚 already an angel and 2) she鈥檚 going to climb up there anyway
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald鈥檚*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn鈥檛 get lonely in my tummy*
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”