Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
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Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her