[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
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How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
I hate everything
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.