[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
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Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
dude killed a sea lion with his bike