30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
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ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.