Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
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Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy