[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
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Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Is this the real life?
Is this just