When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
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At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
New mindset, who dis?
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?