(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
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wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it