Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
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I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer