Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
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I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Twitter remains undefeated
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.