I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
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gentlemen, hear me out
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Not all heroes wear capes…
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Mmmm. Shoeshi
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.