I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
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We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.