You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
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Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice