“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
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Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.