Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
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* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.