Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
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One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…