If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
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“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.