4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
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I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Meanwhile in Portland…
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.