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My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
#SCOTUS one-star review
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.