Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
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If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.