I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
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[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no