“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
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the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Air conditioning – not a fan
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw