Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
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When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please