On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
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Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.