i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
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Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth