if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
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Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
fly smarter, not harder
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
I have many caverns
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.