the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
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It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
You are what you delete.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…