Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
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Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Happy Halloween 🎃
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.