My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
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[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.