The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
You Might Also Like
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.