If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
You Might Also Like
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.