My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
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Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.