Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
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no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic