Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
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Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters