I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
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I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
i’m laughing very hard in real life
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.