I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
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I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.