I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
You Might Also Like
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.