A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
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Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
starting a garage orchestra
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Story of my life…..
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride