After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
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I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?