Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
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😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
hmm conte-me mais
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist