3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
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In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.