Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
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He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.